Living in the Peer Group Presence
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by Kathleen Moloney-Tarr
"Relationships are all there is.
Everything in the universe only exists because it is in relationship to
everything else.
Nothing exists in isolation.
We have to stop pretending we are individuals who can go it alone."
-Margaret Wheatley, Turning to One Another
Once again we get up from the sofa and chairs and step first into warm hugs, then to the full glass doors and back out into the world. We have shared another exceptional peer group meeting with colleagues who hold safe space for each other not just in the two-hour meetings but every day. When we are together, we see faces of God in each other. When we part, we feel connected still and deeply rooted in the Presence. Our coming together in silence, prayer and sharing is spiritual communion that magnifies the essence of each of our souls. We drop more deeply into who we are. We meet as companions on the contemplative path, seeing the holy in each other as we intend ourselves to the Sacred Mystery we call God.
We meet monthly in a comfortable home office where large windows frame cardinals splashing in the birdbath, chipmunks dashing on mysterious errands, and squirrels chasing up and down willow oak trunks. Some days the wind blasts leaves across the grass, rain beats against the glass doors or hosta flowers bounce in a light breeze; other days are still as a hawk rests on the cherry branch or daffodils spring bright yellow on the world. Somehow the movement of Spirit seems all the more real as we witness the sacred movements of the natural world surrounding our time together.
At each meeting we recommit ourselves to focus on the presenter's "spiritual concerns, experiences, feelings, faith, blocks, blind spots, gifts, discernments, confidence, and confusions in relation to the directee rather than on the struggles of the directee" as suggested in Shalem's peer group handouts. We conform to the original process as each presenter speaks to the following questions: How do I feel about myself in this relationship? How have I been praying for the directee, the relationship, myself as director? What seems to happen in this prayer? What is my sense of prayerfulness while I am meeting with this person? How do I sense/think/feel God at work in this relationship? Why am I bringing this relationship to the peer group?
When I began the Spiritual Guidance Program, I knew my spiritual director would be a source of wisdom and support, and I thought the peer group would be a place to ensure that what I was doing with directees was within the appropriate boundaries. What I read about peer groups reinforced this view, so I was not prepared for the discovery of just how significant the peer group experiences could be. I was not expecting the group to mean so much to me. I now cannot imagine being a spiritual director without the prayers, love, genuine care, non-judgment and patience of these people and our experiences together!
The first meeting came the day after a very difficult, hurtful experience of betrayal and disappointment in my life. The emotional debris stacked against my heart was like a moraine, the tumble of enormous boulders left behind when a glacier pushes rock for miles and finally withdraws. The pain made it hard to breathe. I geared up to meet the members for the first time, trying to put the pain aside and hoping I could focus on the process and not fall apart. We greeted each other and fell into deep silence. I presented, we talked and prayed, and something peaceful washed over me. By the time the second presentation ended, I felt healed, absolved, and able to forgive and love in spite of what I had experienced the day before. For the first time, I knew Grace. All was well.
Later we discovered that each of us had a devastating issue to deal with that day. We came broken and lost, hurt and fragile. No one spoke of this pain during the two presentations because the sources were unrelated to our direction relationships, and we were so committed to following the outlined process for the meeting. Only later did we confess how challenged we had felt before the meeting and how comforted we were by the Presence in and of the peer group. It was the process-the prayer, keen contemplative silence, listening to each other, sharing from that mysterious and holy place within-and the mysterious, sacred Presence that gave us such peace. This continues to be the case each time we meet.
Being together in the Presence allows us to bring our true selves forward. We are our best disciples when we are able to face the challenges our own spiritual development presents. To do so in the company of a group of contemplative peers is a blessing and a gift.
Today I am in awe of our peer group experience and the sense of Presence that attends the Spirit-based communion we share. Our times together are some of the richest hours of my month. Each meeting is a study in courage and risk-taking, patience and hope, will and spirit. We bare our souls to each other. Some days we witness, others we hear confession, and grace falls to us time and time again. We warmly engage in the most heartfelt and caring listening, careful to think less and listen more to the Presence possible in peer group.
Kathleen is a graduate of Shalem's Winter 2006 Spiritual Guidance Program.