Romancing the Word
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by Ann Kline
"For the foolishness of God is wiser than men...." -1 Corinthians 1:25Go figure. When I joined the Shalem staff, I had one prayer: unity of purpose. My life had become so fragmented, or so it felt, with so many projects, directions, and possibilities calling my attention. I wanted to simplify my life into one direction. As Martin Buber said, I wanted my life to feel like work that was "all of one piece." I yearned for unity of soul. Focusing my effort and attention primarily on work for Shalem seemed key to that unity. It was so clear. Then I got The Phone Call.
I'm not sure why God likes the telephone, but that is often the medium that ushers in my most significant events. This time the call was from a publisher. For background, several months earlier, a publisher had accepted a romance novel I had written-and submitted-many years before. It had required nothing on my part, not even revisions, and there had been no reason not to accept the unexpected gift. It had not distracted me from my Purpose. This time was different. The publisher wanted to buy more of my writing; a partial manuscript that would require some significant additional work, and a third book, not yet even conceived.
To put this in context, for years the deepest desire of my heart had been to be a writer. That hope had eventually focused on publishing romance novels. They were fun to write; good-humored, big-hearted stories. I thought they would be my best chance for getting published. Night after night, month after month, I had sat at my computer with the hope that one day I would see someone reading my book on the Metro.
Then life intervened. I started to meditate, to pray, to see people in direction, to do work for Shalem. Gradually the desire of my heart began to take a new shape. Did I miss the writing? Sometimes. But my life was so full, and God was constantly opening up something new for me. Other facets of my heart were polished.
Now that my life seemed to be falling into a lovely, challenging, unified whole, why this? Was this the Devil tempting me away from my Purpose, leading me back into dissipated effort? Or God tempting me toward some unperceived good?
Here indeed was an opportunity for discernment. Where was God in this, other than laughing loudly at such a clever twist to my story. How could I say no, my husband said. It's the opportunity of a lifetime, my writing partner said. How could I say yes when my life is so full, I said.
I prayed. I spoke to God, out loud. I poured it all out. I asked for nothing but that God listen. I told God the pros and cons, my fears that this was a test of my commitment, but to what I was not sure. What did God want of me? What would lead to that unity of soul I so yearned for? Then I went to bed.
In the morning I awoke singing. I can't remember ever waking up so happy. I didn't have an answer for the publisher yet, but I did have an answer to my prayer. Freedom. I did not have to choose one or the other. I could walk away from this opportun-ity without regret. I really did not need to see my name on any books in the Metro. I could also accept the offer and somehow make it work. Only I could determine whether the book was a distraction from my deepest heart or something that would open new channels of love and life in me. God's answer to my prayer was the awesome, and sometimes awful, gift of freedom.
I learned something about discernment; God's will for me. It is not about the "right" choice. It is about the true choice, a choice that honors what I sense truest about myself, affirming and connecting me to all life in the process. "One should not look to heaven before one looks into oneself," the Kotzker rebbe said. What did I really want? It is by loving what I love that I find God's will for me.
In the end, I turned down the third book and accepted the opportun-ity to finish the book I had started so many years ago (maybe I will see it read on the Metro). I do not know how I am going to do it, but I am not concerned (or I am in denial). I could list so many reasons why it seems right, and so many more why it makes no sense. This could be terribly wrong-headed; there are no guarantees. My decision, however, was made when I heard myself tell my writing partner how the writing, spiritual direction, working at Shalem were all part of the same thing for me. Buddha said, "your work is to discover your life and with all your heart to give yourself to it." Here was my life, including the writing, and God was at the center of it all.
God wants our hearts, the rebbes say. I'm just surprised mine comes wrapped in a romance novel.
Ann's novel, The Ride to Dinah's Wedding, will be available February 2004.
© 2008 The Shalem Institute.