Contemplative Living
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by Don MacDougall
As I went into a spiritual direction group with no idea of what I would talk about and uncertainty about whether I even had anything to talk about-a not unprecedented situation-there was a lengthy silence, and the other participants seemed not to have anything they wished to share. Then I felt the urge to simply speak, not of any particular issue or concern but of the contemplative journey I was on, of my desire to live in and from the deepest place I can in God in all I am and do, of my experience and understanding of spiritual practices as aids to that, and of the possibilities and difficulties I've experienced.What I heard myself saying (and I am constantly reaching for new words to express this) was that my deepest desire was to be rooted and grounded in God and to have all-or ever more of-my actions and words and daily life flow naturally from that place of groundedness. That is what I hear Tilden Edwards speak of as "living the day from the heart" where "divine Spirit and human spirit live together," or what Linda Sussman speaks of as "the speech of the grail," the way of speaking which emerges from that place of groundedness and integration. It's what I think Jesus meant (and lived) when he spoke of "the kingdom (rule) of God," when all is integrated willingly into the desire and intention of God, and also is spoken of as "the sacrament of the present moment," or in Twelve Step Programs, as "giving oneself over to a higher power." Expressed in many different ways, it is what I was trying to speak of, what I yearn for- so elusive and in the end more of a "gift" anyway.
In the spiritual direction group, I heard myself speaking about the desire to live in and from "depth of being in God" and about my impatience with the superficial in myself, with the tendency at times to still respond to people and situations out of a desire to please, to be thought well of, or out of a fear of judgment. I went on to speak of the contemplative practices I use to assist with this desire, expressing my understanding that the practices (lectio divina, centering prayer, prayer with a word, etc.) are just skillful means toward that open possibility.
Yet my growing edges right now tend not to be around comprehension about what is needed but around the actual doing of it-around my opening and consenting to God's love and living in, with and through God in everyday life in a spirit that is accepting, trusting, respectful, waiting, focused and committed. I have no trouble realizing with my head, and from large chunks of my experience, that God loves us all unconditionally and is active in our lives, including mine. The trouble I have is allowing myself to live into that, to accept it into myself (or myself into it) more completely, to "accept the acceptance" as Douglas Steere says. Telling this story in the group helped me notice that I was holding out in this way. There are areas which I habitually and almost unconsciously leave out of prayer as being hopeless or "not yet" in the Augustinian sense, and I habitually try to "do it for myself" instead of letting God do it.
In the group and since, my sense is of a God who is gently encouraging me, urging me to openness, respectful, consistently holding up in front of me the area(s) needing inclusion and release, and subtly responsive to my prayer. Further, God as friend has taken on a new intensity for me, and I am noticing that the way God seems to work with me is side-by-side, urging, suggesting, asking but always respectful and interested in my own responses and seemingly open to going with what I suggest, much as a friend would be.
In the process of honest and urgent praying, a gentle suggestion or direction sometimes will emerge, which often is so subtle that I almost don't notice it, but when I do notice it, it turns out to be a pearl of great price! Recently, I was praying, "Help me to be open and accepting of your love and my love of myself, because I'm sure not getting very far with it on my own." I was hoping for some big dramatic change, as seems to happen for others when they write about such occasions, and I almost didn't notice a subtle, internal suggestion to "act as if": "act as if" you know I love you; "act as if" you accept the acceptance; "act as if" you are all right the way you are, and let's get on with it!
This has been feeding me and teach-ing me ever since. It goes to the very heart of contemplative living as I am seeking to practice it. When I now light a candle, for instance at meals or in prayer, I use it as a reminder to "act as if" I have accepted the acceptance and get on with it!
Don, a retired UCC pastor, is a member of Shalem's Facilitating Group Spiritual Direction Program. This article is taken from one of his program papers.
© 2008 The Shalem Institute.