Shimmering Pearls
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by Marianne Lewis
I walk with a courageous and remarkably glowing woman who is a former psychotherapist. Denise has a head injury that renders her unable to work, go out to restaurants, be at a party, attend church, remember the progression of the alphabet sometimes, to have a "normal" life in numerous ways. She lives in almost unmitigated pain and, at the same time, maintains an extraordinary compassion and selflessness.She "prays," often focused on mantra-like, intercessory or contemplative prayer; she remembers at times to trust that the Spirit prays within her; but her prayer seems as chaotic to her as her life seems. In response to my query of any experience of peace amidst her ongoing anguish, she spoke tenderly of her intimate relation with the sky. The unparalleled, clear New Mexico sky is the one palpable constant in her life and is what brought her back to live here after almost two years of diagnostic and rehabilitation efforts elsewhere.
How do we even begin to talk about psychology and the spiritual life? Is her experience of appreciating and being one with the sky a real communion with the mystery we call God? Is it a salve for her beleaguered psyche and weary body? Her experience has given rise to some beautiful artwork, given her a sense of a wider world, helped keep her sane and whole, deepened her search for God in her life.
Denise is sorting through a chaotic maze of realities, forced to give up many held aspects of her own self-image, brought face-to-face constantly with who she is in light of all her limitations. Her graced level of gratitude for the sky, calling to her faithfully and unconditionally, is one of the few responses she has that she knows is not colored or created by medication.
As Denise is being "made" continuously into a deeper "image and likeness" of God, so am I. Light and grace surround us. The evolution and unfolding of personality, our psychological development, is the way by/through which we make the journey.
Psychology deals with the mental/emotional construct, intentionally aims to make right, fix, balance, even gain the upper hand over what is problematic, thorny, out-of-kilter, within a person. It has taught us to get in touch with, live out of and pursue our needs and wants. The spiritual life centers around growing into deeper "image of God" faithfulness, living as an act of praise and thanksgiving and responding to the Divine without necessarily attempting to make right, to fix, to attain--and regardless of the equilibrium in the emotional life. It centers on offering, releasing hold of our needs and wants, and it relies on the transformative power of God's grace to infuse our life process.
The life of the spirit pervades the mind, and the imbalances of mind and emotion can affect the ability and willingness to respond to the Spirit. They are not exclusive dwelling rooms, to be sure, but are essentially different doors/approaches. The big paradox is that who I see myself to be needs to perish, to be given up, yet giving up self needs to be a healthy and conscious act.
I am a gardener and had a dream where I looked at the top of my hands, which were dirty, bony and growing a funny protrusion on one finger. Curious and distressed, I decided I would show my hands to my spiritual director, and when I turned my hands over, palms up, I was most surprised to see that both hands were filled with exquisite, luminescent, shimmering pearls.
I think this is a dream to carefully not analyze, but on reflection, my sense is that here is a lovely metaphor linking spirituality and psychology. The back of my hands are what I usually look at and see-my outer nature, self, mind, who I appear to be. The pearl, most symbolic in Scripture, contains the imprint of my very essence: my being, created in God's image and likeness. The pearl is a symbol of salvation and wisdom, of the God-self I am; the pinpoint of Light, light within Light, taking its abode in me.
My complexities as a mental, emotional, physical being pale before pearls of inestimable value, before the essence of my being a participant in Light. And yet those complexities are not separate; they are part of my essence, the raw material to work with in terms of service and continuous redemption. For Denise, too, it is the same. Many pieces of her self-image have been challenged or dropped as she steps into accepting a new identity, not one dependent on her former mental capacities and processes but an identity that allows her to be at home with her "pearlness" and allows her to experience gratitude for God revealed in the sky.
I absolutely know that God is with Denise in her walk and with me, drawing us at every turn into more simplicity of just what is, into resting and responding within our true identity. The pearl is transformed by the abrasive action of sand polishing it, just as our beings are polished by undergoing many transformations-shined up by God's grace.
Marianne is a member of Shalem's Spiritual Guidance Program, Class of 2000. This article is taken from one of her program papers.
© 2008 The Shalem Institute.