by Jessica Marshall

Spirituality and money have been related in my thoughts for many years. But for me, as for others, the thought of money can arouse profound anxieties and conflicting emotions. If I operate unconsciously in this area, the natural tendencies I have inherited from a complex family and societal history can grip me with a fear of losing what I have or not getting what I want, which has a tremendous impact on my relationship with God.

The Shalem group on Money and Spirituality offered a place to renew my thoughts and examine my recent actions related to this topic. Little did I know that six months later I would make a quick and dramatic change in my profession, taking a salary one-third my previous one. It seems that one of the ways God was preparing me for this change was by offering me the time to reflect, pray and share with others about spirituality and money.

For example, when we discussed "Money and Abundance," I was reminded that the words I use in reference to money frame my attitude and thus my spirituality. I use the term "spending plan" in lieu of "budget." For me, a budget, along with the phrase "I can't afford," connotes a locus of control outside myself. It is important for me to remember that it is largely my choices that generate what comes in and what goes out in my financial life. The resources available to me come with the dual nature of both gift and free will.

Our culture undermines this sense of choice and responsibility, while at the same time giving us the message that our value lies in the amount of money or things we have. "You can have it all," "I am worth what I make at my job," "I need that thing in order to be acceptable to myself and others"--all of these messages can be overwhelming. But by staying in active awareness of my freedom to make choices, I am reminded of how much in my life is not about what I've earned but what I've been given.

Money is a gift that allows me to bring beauty into my life and the lives of those I love. But I get into trouble when I resist honestly acknowledging my fear of not getting what I want or losing what I have. This is when my sense of security begins to creep away from God and towards financial security. The best antidote to this is using money as an icon. Here I am using the word icon as we do in the 90's--as the computer screen symbol on which we click and find that evermore is revealed. Very useful information about my spiritual life is revealed to me when I venture behind the dollars and cents into the feelings, choices and prayers I have.

Using money as an icon, I take my everyday financial questions, concerns and choices into prayer and spiritual direction, looking behind the facts for the inner-prompting of the Spirit. If I must go into debt in order to have something right now, perhaps this is a kind of "red light," indicating that I need to go deeper into my current life instead of reaching out. And conversely, if I notice what I am not spending on items, such as regular health care, entertainment, or to support a spiritual organization such as Shalem which supports me so lovingly, I can bring this awareness to prayer. I can ask questions about places in my life that I feel are worthy of self-care and nurturing, where I am experiencing leisure or beauty, where I feel prosperous and generous--all of which are qualities of God. This is how I use money to ground my prayer and infuse it with real meaning.

However, this infusion of meaning brings valleys along with the peaks. Several of the weekly topics focused on possessions, money and the global economy. For many of us, it was very difficult to acknowledge how much we have and how desperately little others have. How do we celebrate what we've been given and at the same time live in solidarity with the poor? It makes me squirm to read Old Testament passages which suggest that riches and prosperity are tangible signs of divine favor, whereas poverty and adversity are the outcome of divine chastisement. It can be so difficult to reconcile these two extremes that unless we really focus we don't even try. My discomfort peaks every time I pass a person on the street who is asking for money. Immediately those mental gymnastics start, my thoughts and feelings ricocheting between sorrow at being able to give so little, guilt for not giving enough, self-aggrandizement for giving to "charity," and the strange, deep fear of not having enough to give. The only peace I have found after years of struggling is to accept and live into the struggle. I try to do so by accompanying every dollar with the phrase "in Jesus' name" and looking the recipient right in the eye.

Again, words make a difference for me; instead of "tithing" or "charity," I use "contribution." This reminds me that I am giving back only what I have been given, and it helps me struggle with whether I am giving enough and what good this small amount can do in the face of such need. If I am truly living out my spiritual life, my part is to honestly acknowledge all of the conflicting emotions that accompany giving away my money and to use every possibility of giving as an opportunity to live with the struggle, to live with Jesus in that act.

These are only a few of the ideas and prayers that were stimulated by the Shalem program, and I am so grateful to my fellow seekers who willingly and honestly shared their reflections, struggles and inspirations with me. I am drawing strength from all of them as I move into this period of my life that has entirely new financial parameters and therefore entirely new aspects of God to discover.

Jessica recently left her "secure" government job to teach fifth grade in a small Catholic school. This year she has participated in Shalem's Money and Spirituality and Group Spiritual Direction Programs.