God's Design
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by Art Alexander
The development of each person is, in a sense, unique. We can never say to another how they will experience God. Nevertheless, there is direction in their growth. But with everyone, we directors can take seriously and give full attention to signs of grace, a burst of praise, a pang of guilt, an episode of doubt, a desire for prayer, hope for acceptance.Sarah (*) made an appointment to come and see me. She had been attending church for several years, on and off, and all I really knew about her I knew from personal observation. It was obvious to me that she "had a lot of problems."
She had the look of a person who was heavily medicated, and she displayed strange behavior around other people. At times she would appear to be very upset and cry when there was no obvious reason. At other times she would seem very "up," animated, talkative, laughing. It was not unusual for Sarah to get up in the middle of a class and walk out, apparently oblivious to others around her.
I had no idea about why she wanted to see me, but if it was to get help, she was way out of my league. I was very willing to see her, to pray with her and offer affirmation, but I wasn't open to the possibility of giving her spiritual direction. In fact, I didn't think it was possible.
When we met, I learned the history of her life, the diagnosis of her illness, that she was Bi-polar affective, and the medication she was on. But why did she come to see me? She said, "You might think this is strange, but I just wanted to tell you what is going on inside me. I wanted to talk about God and me."
She began telling me about her first experience with God, her conversion, thirteen years ago at the age of seventeen--how God comes to her in dreams; about her failings, sins, how she feels about them and how much she loves God and only wishes that He would love her. She told me of strange experiences she would have while fully awake. She would begin by saying, "You will think I'm crazy, but ... one day I was watching you preach, and I saw milk coming out of your forehead. Now, I know that it really wasn't happening, but that's what I saw."
When I asked her what she thought this meant, she said, "Oh, I don't know, but I think it symbolizes mothering or nurturing or something. It could mean that I'm to desire the sincere milk of the Word. You see, I have a good feeling about you, you're my pastor. I love you. You never left me, even when I was weird and nasty."
Sadly, in the past, I would not have thought that the experiences of a person struggling with psychological problems were authentically from God. Perhaps they were special children, loved by God, but could such people actually grow in grace and wisdom? Today I know they can and do.
I found that it was a false division, putting spirituality and psychiatry in different compartments, mutually exclusive and not related. Whereas people who are sick need psychiatric help, they also need spiritual guidance. In fact, even when psychotherapy is not open to many except the affluent, God is open to them. Sarah is a case in point, and she is seeking God. I saw, in her story about me, a possibility in directing her in her image of God.
As I have continued to meet with Sarah, I have seen firsthand the movement of God in her life. Sarah has a marked spiritual maturity. She accepts her responsibility to listen to God for herself. She seeks out places for silence and expresses her feelings well through journaling and writing poetry. Some of my times of greatest awareness in prayer with someone else have been with Sarah. In a sense, she enjoys more freedom from what other people think of her than I find in less neurotic people. She is less intolerant, moralistic, dogmatic and rigid than many others. She is able to live with mystery, and she pursues meaning and value in human life. She has shown an ability to live in ambiguity and with change.
Who, or what, was responsible for her spiritual formation? Meister Eckhart wrote: "Whether you like it or not, whether you know it or not, secretly nature seeks, hunts, tries to ferret out the track on which God my be found."
In one of Sarah's poems, she writes:
Gulls flit along the frothy shoreThe development of each person is, in a sense, unique. We can never say to another how they will experience God. Nevertheless, there is direction in their growth. But with everyone, we directors can take seriously and give full attention to signs of grace: a burst of praise, a pang of guilt, an episode of doubt, a desire for prayer, hope for acceptance.
Fighting for carrion.
I wander along the receding shoreline
Saying to my teacher, the sea,
"Sea, wash me; salt me; make me free;
Awaken me with your intrusive roar.
Let me fly free like the seagulls soar."
With Sarah I continue to find it a bit difficult to know what to let flow past me and what to catch and build on. What is part of her illness, what is coming from God, or is it all? I know in Sarah's case, her diagnosis/therapy has helped her understand her problems and gives her a language to express her struggle, but it is not her. She is more than her illness, and I have experienced with her God's grace touching her and helping her, at times, transcend her illness.
God has designs on this person and so, with her, I will simply continue to ask the same question. How does this experience connect with Scripture and tradition? What is she being invited to? How can I help her respond to God's invitations?
Art, senior pastor of the Church of the Nazarene in Long Island, is a graduate of Shalem's Spiritual Guidance Program, Summer '92. This article is taken from one of his program papers.
(*) The name "Sarah" was chosen by us to protect the identity of Art's directee.
© 2008 The Shalem Institute.